The Keys to my heart?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

I'll have to analyse this further.
I'm going to have to agree with everything except that last sentence. I love flirting and playing but I need love more than anything right now.

Find your own Keys to your Heart here: http://www.blogthings.com/keystoyourheartquiz/

Paging Dr. Pete....

Ok, now my husband thinks he's a doctor.
A psychiatrist to be exact. He was nagging at me to tell him what this doctor I'm seeing on Thursday will do for me that he can't help with. He honestly believes that this doctor will blame him for my depression and all the marital problems we've been having. He started rehashing the past and basically told me that he is the way he is because I made him that way.

He no longer "trusts" because of me.

I know I can't change what I did in the past but I honestly thought we got through and surpassed the most difficult bump in our marriage 6 yrs ago. He apparently brings it up every time we have an arguement or when I feel our marriage needs special attention.

Now I feel as though I need to see this doctor more than ever.

He still tried to talk me out of going even after explaining that people don't generally go see a psychotherapist to break up their marriage. People see them to save their marriages. I promised him that I wouldn't ever push him or force him to go even though I know very well that he should go (probably more than I do).

Anyway, on a happy side, Juliana is now today officially learning from Miss Sandra how to toilet train. I talked to her yesterday when picking Juliana up from day care about it and she said it was a great idea for her to start. So, this morning I brought in several changes of clothes and a big prayer in the hopes that Juliana will pick it up rather quickly.

Mrs. Josie, the day care coordinator just reminded me that I'll have to enroll Juliana in Kindergarden this year. I keep thinking she's too young but in actual fact, even though she's 3 now, she'll be 4 in December of this year which makes her elligible to start school in September. That's what I did with Danica but I'm debating whether or not to do that with Juliana.

Danica sometimes has to struggle when it comes to her class. Others in her class seem to be a whole year ahead of her sometimes and I really don't want Juliana to go through the same thing but I also know that she's as smart as a whip! She already knows her colours and shapes, is drawing stick people and knows how to write her name when prompted.

I guess I still have a bit of time to think about that one.

Trin

Nanny Mcphee? Can you help me...errr Pete?

Another Monday morning. I feel blah today. Nothing unusual happening.
I had a busy weekend as always but tried to not over do myself with cleaning and just try to enjoy the time I spend with the kids.

I spent Saturday afternoon at my sister Stella's. The kids had a blast while Stella and I caught up on things as well as picked up something for Jo-anne's baby shower. Thank goodness I went when I did because there wasn't much left from the registry to choose from.

Yesterday was interesting. The family had planned to go to the movies. We watched Nanny Mcphee. It's a cool movie and although it took Juliana about 1/2 hour to get used to the big screen and not be frightened, we all enjoyed it until it was time to go home.

Pete wanted to pass by Best Buy. That was fine but as we were driving out of the lot, I spotted Cafe Dimetre. I had talked about going there that previous Friday but didn't know where it was so I got all excited when I saw it. He assumed I did that on purpose so that we could forget about going to Best Buy which wasn't true.

He sulked all the way home then when I told him the reason why I had pointed the cafe out was because I had found the location of it and I completely forgot about going there, he apologized.
I'm giving you the 2 second version of it here but in reality, it was a very long drawn out process.
Those kind of arguments should never happen. It's pointless and it drains so much energy. By the time it was over and done with, I was ready for bed and it was only 9pm.

It's strange. I don't know if I should have told him about Dr. Pupko's appointment on Thursday. Friday night he played 20 questions with me and tried to resolve some of my problems. He thinks that he should be the only one I should be talking to. "I don't need someone else interfering in our lives or your head for that matter." That's his opinion.

Personally, I think it's great to have that 3rd person to talk to. That way you won't be afraid of what the other person might be thinking or have to explain yourself and what you've said because he took it offensively. Sheesh, how many times has that happened? Yesterday, he asked me if our "little talk" helped. I said yes. Then he asked if I was still going to Dr. Pupko...as if to say, you don't need anyone else to talk to. ***sigh....God knows what that guy is thinking. I really honestly believe he thinks someone else will brainwash me into thinking of leaving him. LOL He has some serious issues.
Or, maybe he's afraid of what people might think when they find out what he's really like.

I told him I was going. It couldn't hurt...right?
Trin

Buffalo wings and beer.

Can this soul be saved?

My doctor sure thinks it can. Poor gal. She prescribed the Prozac again as I knew she would. Again, she told me that depression is an illness just like diabetes and needs to be controlled with medication. Something within me hates believing that I'm stuck taking these things the rest of my life and that's why I fight it with every inch of my being until I find myself spiraling down a deep hole in which I can't climb out of. That's when I make an appointment with her and she gives me shit for not seeing her sooner.

This time I asked for a referral. A psychotherapist. His name is Dr. Pupko and I made the appointment for Thursday of next week. He sounded nice enough. Maybe now I can talk to someone honestly about my problems instead of hiding bits and pieces of them within myself. You know, Pete's a good listener when he wants to be but I can't tell him absolutely everything.

I have another headache today. My 3rd in a row which is very unusual. I never get headaches. I'm hungry too, more so than usual. Ahh, my poor body is having a massive sugar urge.
The other night I had the most terrible craving for buffalo wings with beer. Two things I haven't had in a very long time. I think I was in my 20's when I had both of them together last. It's like pizza and beer. God, what a great combination but there's just something about the hot spicy sauce on those wings that make the beer go down so smooth.

*sigh...ok. Enough dreaming.

I think I'll walk outside today. It's about +6 degrees. Yeah, cold enough to actually get these thoughts out of my head.

Trin
Trin

Pete just doesn't get it.

Well, I brought Juliana in today. She's still on her antibiotics....again. This time it's the 5 day, one a day kind so there's no forgetting to give it to her. I blame myself for her still being sick. I missed her medication a few times during the 3x a day last week so it may have not fully got rid of the infection. She was crying when I left her so that made me feel like a terrible mother. I'm not there for her. She's sick and I should be taking care of her instead of dumping her with someone else. I drove away crying. I do hope they call Peter to pick her up this afternoon but I'm afraid that he'd just take her to the shop with him. I'm still in shock that he didn't taker her with him yesterday.

I don't think Pete gets it. We had an arguement last night about my irritablity and mood. I know he tries to understand me but ...alas, he doesn't. I guess there's just not much more I could ask from him. He says I put the stress on myself. I take on too much and then crash and burn. I keep telling him that if he would take on some of the crap that needs to be done at home that I wouldn't have all this pressure on me.
He got so frustrated that he almost kicked May out the door when she needed to go potty. I got so pissed that I refused to speak to him anymore.

Today I had the crazy notion that if I could just get away...you know, book a vacation that all would be fine but there are problems associated with that. First of all, Pete would never let me go alone and secondly it would be too expensive for all of us to go so, once again...I'm fucked.

I'm still feeling like crap but exercising does help to give me a lift so I'm looking forward to my lunch time workout. I also e-mailed WarrenSheppell, our company's counsellors yesterday. Maybe they can help a lost cause...huh? Can you imagine if they ever read this journal? They'd think I was mad.

Trin

Phone tied....

It's been two days of glorious quiet here in the office. The phone lines have been down since yesterday around noon. I hear many of the salesmen complaining but I couldn't be happier. This NEVER happens!
No interruptions, no complaining, no ringing in my poor poor ears! And who said there are no such things as miracles??? lol Glory be! Pigs do fly!!!

Although I'm loving the serene quiet of the office I did have a problem yesterday. I left work to pick up Juliana from day care and she wasn't there. It scared the shit outta me! Then Miss Daniella told me that she had been picked up by her father because they were trying to get a hold of me to tell me that they couldn't get through to me. Obviously because the phone lines were down.
At first I though ...damnit....I should have never got rid of my cell phone but today I realized that it was a good thing. Only because Pete takes no responsibility when it comes to these things. It's about time some was forced upon him by someone other than myself.

I'm a little pissed at him today. I told him that one of us has to stay home with Juliana today (and I was thinking it had better not be me because I stayed home with her for the past 20 times she was sick and frankly, my boss is getting a bit upset with that fact). He hesitantly said he would but that he'd have to take her into the shop with him and I almost freaked.

He'll take a feverishly sick 3yr old with him to a dusty, smelly, dirty cold automotive shop with him. What is she going to do there???! Stare at the walls??! I can't believe he could be so selfish!!
What kind of a father would jeopardize his child's well being???!!!

Excuse me while I take a vallium.

I made a long awaited appointment with Dr. Kauffman on Thursday. I've been feeling down lately and I'm hoping it's not my depression coming back. It's gotten to the point where it reoccurs every two months or so for about a week ...sometimes longer. I don't realize when it hits other than the fact that I want to cry for no reason and I become irritable with things that wouldn't have normally bothered me. Thoughts of life and death come into play...the meaning of life and love....my whole existance becomes irrelevant. So much bullshit comes to the fore front that it becomes overwhelming and I have a nervous breakdown.

My life is plain. Simple really, but when one person is left doing 100 things, no matter how simple those 100 things could be, it could be overwhelming.

Trin

This is a long one....

I had a very rough weekend. I think it started Friday night when Pete reminded me that we had to go to celebrate his mom's birthday on Sunday afternoon. I was disappointed because I had spoken to my sister about taking care of the kids while Pete and I did something (anything) together. Now, those plans were all shot to hell and Pete got upset because I said that. I had to take 45 minutes to explain that I was really looking forward to spending some time with him and I wasn't upset that we had to go see his parents but that I had forgotten about the whole thing.

I basically felt like Cinderella on Saturday. I knew it would be a shitty day as soon as I woke up because the kids got up at 6am and I had a whole list of cleaning to do.

When I clean, I make a to-do list. I write down everything that needs to be done, like make the beds, dust the bedroom, wash the floor...you know, but it has to be specific or I'll find a way to cut corners and cheat myself into not doing it. Believe it or not, this process has worked well in the past for me. I see it, I do it. If it's not there, I'll just psych myself into thinking it wasn't important enough for me to write down and it won't get done.

Saturday's list was a long one but it was a good thing I had time on my side. By about 7:30am, I had finished my breakfast and leisure time with the paper and started the mission. The kids were ok. They only bugged me about 20 times during my cleaning frenzy but I was grooving. I had my James Blunt CD blarring in my portable and got more done in 2 hours than I would have normally done.
The kids were outside for a half hour before I called them in for lunch. By that time I had two things left to do on my list. Washing the floor, which I did after lunch after our 1pm much needed nap and cleaning out the fridge, which I left for Sunday morning.

By Saturday night around 6pm I found myself feeling like crap. Pete went out again and I found myself watching "The Notebook" and feeling depressed after the kids went to bed. James Blunt and "The Notebook"....not a very good combination for someone suffering from depression.

By Sunday, I was peeking. I did have a nice quiet time when I went shopping but the stress level rose when I got home. Pete obviously had slept in until 11am (just before I had gotten home). I hate when he does that. It makes me so jealous! I wish I had it that good....stay out all night, wake up at noon without a care in the world......thank goodness I had cleaned out the fridge before I went shopping.

Needless to say, I was not looking forward to go to the in-laws that afternoon. I knew Nick and Antonella were going to be there with the kids and they were the last people I had wanted to see that afternoon. I finally had realized on the drive over that my depression was the reason why I had been so down and irritable.
That afternoon went slow and it was 6pm by the time we got outta there. We drove to blockbuster, rented a movie and Pete fell asleep on the couch. What else is new?

People without depression will never understand what it feels like when it hits you. It's a feeling of lonliness and helplessness that leaves you wondering why you're here on earth. It's a feeling of being all alone in your thoughts and it feels like no matter what you do, no matter who's around or what's happening, life has no meaning. Nothing makes sense.

It's times like these when I think about death and making "arrangements". I don't openly talk about my depression which is why I absolutely hate going to the Dr's office. I'm embarrassed by it. People think that depression is contagious or they think of you as an emotional loser, weak and helpless. I'll be damned if I'l have others think of me that way. I'd rather die.....now there's an ongoing thought.

I think it's time to see Dr. Kauffman....again.

Showers of ???

Just got an invitation from cousin Diana for Joanne's baby shower. It's sometime in February. I'm debating whether to go or not since it says "no children please" at the bottom of the invite. NO CHILDREN.....at a baby shower ??? Umm..forgive me but it sounds a bit rediculous to me. My kids love those kinds of get togethers. In my opinion Joanne (the mother to be) should be surrounded by children. It'll give her a taste of what's to come...hehee

Come on! I'm not giving kids a bad wrap, but in this day and age freshly married couples think that having kids is easy! They don't realize it's a constant 24 hour gig! It will be the hardest job they will ever have to do in their entire lives.

I'm glad my kids are growing up. I'm finding it easier now that they're more independant and can almost take care of themselves. At times I find myself oogleing little babies and it takes me back to that ootsie cutsie stage where I want another one ....then I smack myself upside the head and come to my senses.

Trin

Frozen in time...

I've taken countless pictures over the holidays and pics of the kids on their birthday. It's too bad I can't upload them without having to sleep at my computer.

I even had a problem uploading the Dora the Explorer CD-Rom and we had to call Joe (our neighbour) to help us. He works as a computer technician for Bell Canada so he updated our computer so that it's a bit faster and the kids could now play with Dora but didn't leave without without telling us that our system was obsolete. He suggested we get an XP or Pentium 4 and Pete just laughed. I already knew that was coming.

I'd love to get some kind of photo software so that I could make slideshows and burn my own cd's. But, with that comes something I don't have. Time.
I'm thinking now isn't the best time to update. When the kids are older and I have a bit more time on my hands, that's when I'll go searching for a new computer. For now, I'm just going to have to live with the odd system pop up and having to load a pic on a disk to print.
Besides, by that time, they'll probably come up with a new Mach 4 version of Microsoft anyway.

I guess for now my pics will be frozen in time.

I'll have a large plate of relief with a side of guilt please.

I just came back to work after a very, very busy weekend.

Saturday's 79th birthday party for Dad went well. Now I know he's getting old. He complained about every gift he got ....lol Everybody came over as expected and Mom made her fattening italian eggplant parmasean. She gave me "the look" when I refused so I took one in my plate but passed it over to Pete who was more than willing to eat it. As a matter of fact he ate 3 more after that.
I hate doing that to her but I find myself at my strongest when I'm with my family. I know they're all looking at what I'm eating because they again commented on how great I'm looking. I just hate letting mom down when it comes to refusing what she's made though.

Sunday was awful.
Angel's and Nicky's birthday party was a day long event. Got there at 1pm and I didn't eat anything except my yogurt, some cherries for breakfast and my bar for snack. By lunch I was starving!
I should have known better. I should have eaten something before we had left but by that time we had to go cause I hate being late.

She had all the usual snacks and I was happy to see a very large veggie tray but with what looked like a cream cheese dip. I started eating the raw peppers and carrots but then found myself picking at the cheese and crackers. I soon found myself eating a slice of whole wheat chicken pizza. I know....it could have been worse....and it did.
By the time everyone got there she had everything on the table. Breaded veal, baked/stuffed pasta shells, fried cauliflour and panini, salad drenched in cesear dressing ....uggh.....now, she did have strawberries and fruit afterwards and then of course, cake.

Needless to say, I was off course all day but surprisingly I didn't feel as bloated as I would have thought. The only thing I'm peeved about is that I can't understand how someone as self concious about health can serve these things to her guests. I know...I did that once (serve the most fattening of foods) but I quickly learned that I have to have a variety for those who'd prefer not to over-endulge in those kinds of foods. After all, who are you really hurting when serving only garbage? I don't want to do that to the ones I love.

When I got home it was around 7:30pm so I had 1/2 a turkey sandwich and salad for dinner. I know I'm not going to be too pleased with this week's weigh in but I'm praying that it won't be too bad since I'll be exercising during my lunch hour today.

When we left, Antonella gave the kids a treat bag to take home and gave me an envelope. When I opened it in the car, it revealed a pic of the kids at birth with their full names. Strange that I never knew they had second names until now.
My SIL is strange. She also included her maiden name along with her married name for both the kids and I guess she must have too much time on her hands (or she's got everyone on her side of the family helping her) because nobody in their right mind would have this much time and money after having twins to have enough time to come up with giving us photo after professional photo of her kids (as adorable as they are).

Gee, does it sound like I'm jealous? I'm not.
I could never be that superficial and constantly gloat about my kids.

Being a bitch

I'm such a bitch.

I don't know why I've been such a bitch toward Pete lately. It's not that time of the month. It's not because it's Friday the 13th. The only thing I could think of why I've been so disgruntled lately would be because I'm taking on much more than I can handle and I expect him to pick up the slack.

I know I should expect things like that from him. He can't read my mind and I've learned from previous mishaps that if I ever needed his help to just ask him. But....where do I draw that line? Let me give you an example....

I woke up late this morning due to the fact that I forgot to set my alarm last night. I guess I was so tired that I just plopped down after the kids went to bed and just plain forgot. Pete woke me up at 7am telling me I was late and I'm shocked that I didn't have my usual panic attack but did what I needed to do to get the fuck outta there so I wouldn't be terribly late. He got up as well and went about his regular routine but totally disregarded anything that had to do with me. Instead of helping me get my ass outta there faster, he could have helped me get Juliana ready for day care...shit, he could have offered to drive her himself so that I wouldn't have been late but he didn't. He runs his own shop so nobody's going to question his tardiness.

Needless to say, I got to work 30 minutes late which is rare but after taking 2 days off this week it didn't look good. Vicky was covering for me but it was my boss who had told her to which meant that someone had to have called her up to say that I wasn't here yet. So, I'm fully expecting a not so nice talk soon.

To top off the cake with icing, he calls me at work to see if I got into any shit.....like he's concerned. It took all my energy not to get pissed off at him. Instead I kept calm, explained that I'll probably get "the talk" and left it at that.

I'm just saying that it would have been nice for Pete to pick up the pieces once in a while. I'd do that for him! I'd help in any way possible to see that he doesn't get flustered and angry because his anger impinges on everyone around him and the last thing I want is him to angry with something and take it out on the kids.

Am I asking for too much or am I just being a total bitch and should cut him some slack because it was my fault being late in the first place?

Like I said, I'm probably taking on too much and have been feeling like the whole world is resting on my shoulders. I'm frustrated and tired because of the lack of sleep these past few nights so I guess it would be fair to say that my anger is stemming from those problems.

I have to learn how to relax. I was thinking about getting my hair done tomorrow but Pete will be working and I'll have the kids. There's no way I'm bringing them with me to the salon. Saturday night I'll have to go to my dad's for his birthday then over to Angel and Nicky on Sunday for their birthday party.....eek, that reminds me that I have to run out to buy the cake for dad, each of them their presents, have them wrapped, buy cards, pick out what my kids are going to wear, what I'm going to wear, make sure they have a bath before we go, make sure I plan out what I'll be eating for each day......(deep breath) ..............See what I'm saying now?

Quick! Pass me a pillow

I could just about pass out right about now. I've been home with Juliana for the past two days. She's sick again....this time both her ears are infected and she's constantly coughing after I put her to bed. She's been coughing so hard that she has puked up everything in her little tummy and has often awoken drenched in sweat.
For the past two nights she's been sleeping with me ....and I use that word "sleeping" loosely.

The hubby's no help. I know I shouldn't be angry with him because when he is awake he does try and help out as much as he can but after he passes out for the night....best believe that he's in Iraq fighting the war cause you won't wake him even if you play the bugle in his ear.

Juliana must have awoken at least 5-6 times last night coughing then crying and even though Peter fell asleep on the couch which is basically right beside the girls' room, he just lay there snoring away.

We (my siblings and mom) used to joke about my dad being that way. He could be snoozing on the couch and the house could be robbed and vandalized without him knowing it. I can picture the thieves carrying out the big screen right out in front of him, spray painting on his bald forehead and him, awakening hours later, to a shell that was once a house.

Should I be mad because....... I am.

I attribute his heavy sleeping to his lack of worries not to habit or character. People who have nothing to worry about or worry less tend to sleep like a rock. Me, on the other hand, can wake up to the sound of a pin drop. I'm not really concious of my worrying but often find myself checking off the "done" list in my head before allowing myself to doze off.

You know what else they say about people like Pete. They tend to live long lives.
Excuse me while I pick out a nice cheap burial plot.

Trin

Something strange...

Something strange just happened.
I found myself, for once, having nothing to do. Absolutely nothing. The phones have stopped ringing, paperwork is all typed and filed and I've even neatly put everything away behind me so, I went on-line to find something to do and WHACK! .....nothing. I had no where to visit, nobody to harrass and no group board to post on. This is too scary for me so I thought of the next best place to be....right here.

Here, meaning, my blog (God! I hate that word). Diary....err, sounds too secretive. Journal. There. That's more my taste. Ok, now what should I talk about? The weather? Dull. My diet plan? Err, not again. How about the fact that almost never have nothing to do....eek, didn't I just do that?

This is strange. An afternoon to myself and nothing to say or do.

Wow. Pigs can fly!

Well, I could try to decide whether to make the family pasta or the steaks I bought on my lunch hour, count the tiles on the floor or ummm....I could count the cars that pass but that would just make me hungry, cross-eyed and look totally comatosed.

Works for me.
************(A good 15 minutes later and desperatley needing a snack, my glasses and a smack across the face)

It just hit me! I watched The Biggest Loser last night! What a great episode! A two hour special on two families working out, sweating out for their chance to win $50,000. Next weeks got to be a good one as well. Engaged couples! LOL Yeah, let see their engagement last before they tell each other to fuck right off! I can see it now: "Come on Steve, 10 more reps! Don't you dare let me down!" Steve turns and faces Sarah with the look of disgust and sweat beating down his forehead and says, "WTF Sarah? Stop naggin' already! Is this what you're gonna be like after the wedding?" LMAO!!! Talk about a recipe for disaster!

You know what? I wouldn't want to get on that show. Why, you ask? Just take a look at the exercise schedule and tell me if that's something you can do, day in and day out for the rest of your life. Not realistic to me. Unless you're a trainer, plan to become one or have absolutely no life. I bet 90% of those people gain every pound back and then some after the show.

Sad.
Trin

To a Happier and more Hopeful New Year!

Gee, where do I start?
I haven't logged in since before the holidays so let me start off by saying Happy New Year to you all.

If you're wondering how my holidays went, read the following....if not, you can skip to the end of this entry. Err, come to think of it, just skip reading this whole entry entirely. It's of no use to you unless you're just dying for a migrane and feel the strong need to roll your eyes.

What the holidays at the Trinity household generally consists of:

1. Putting up all the decorations with hopeful wishes of a good holiday.
2. Keeping my sanity as I Christmas shop for everyone with 2 hyper kids at my side.
3. Making sure the stockings are filled on Christmas Eve but still finding mine empty on Christmas morning.
4. Keeping track of the money envelopes so that the hubby doesn't steal 20 bucks from the kids.
5. Trying to conciously be aware of what and how much chocolate I put in my mouth.
6. Overeating at the mother-in-laws for her Christmas Day lunch and feeling sick then doing it all over again at my brothers that same night.
7. Trying to overlook the arguements about the education system between my sister and the hubby.
8. Trying to calm the hubby down for several days after because of arguement about the education system between my sister and the hubby.
9. Wishing the hubby would just forget the arguement about the ed system between himself and my sister.
10. Having fun with the kids and their Christmas toys while hubby is at work.
11. Avoiding arguements with hubby about going to sister's house for New Year's celebration and not go.
12. Finally having an arguement about how incredibly realistic he views the world.
13. Again having to realize that the hubby is as unpoetic and unromantic as sewage.
14. Asking myself how I ended up with a man who's so insensitive and pessimistic.
15. Falling into deep depression
16. 3 days of recovery
17. Needing the next 12 months to delude myself into thinking that this won't happen next year.

If you decided to skip the list....good for you. You didn't miss much...really. If you decided to read the list, consider yourself as insane as I am, take 2 asprin and call me in the morning.

Trin