Change is near....

I came home last night from my hairstylist. I decided about a week ago that I had wanted to do something different to my look so last night I finally went through with it.



I got a perm. The last time I got a perm was about 15 yrs ago, around the time I had met and went out with Peter.

When I came home, Peter was in the garage changing the breaks on his truck and talking to our neighbour Joe. I quickly grabbed my things out of the car, said a quick hi and ran inside.



I was really itching to style my wet, newly permed hair but it was already 8pm and I was so hungry. Even before I sat to take a bite, the kids were all over me. My youngest was itching for me to read the new library book she had brought home and my eldest was telling me about her problems.



Stressed, hungry and anxious I sat there while Peter walked in and didn't say a word. He sat down asking why I was so angry and I said it was because I was hungry and the kids were already on my case before I even had a chance to sit down. By this time I had quickly glanced in the mirror and thought I had made a horrible mistake. My hair looked like a poodle. I knew if I had just took 10 minutes to fix it up it would have been better but the negative thoughts kept pounding my brain.



I asked him what was wrong and he bluntly said, "no comment". "What's wrong? You don't like it?" I replied. To which he said, "It looks awful."

I was already self concious at it was. "Thanks for making me feel like shit" I said.

"Do you want me to lie to you?" he replied. "No, but you could have said it in a nicer way." I said angrily.



I got up and walked to the bathroom locking the door behind me. I wanted to cry but I didn't. I was too angry to cry. I fixed my hair and talked myself into not hearing the hurtful voices inside my head. When I came back to the kitchen, he was gone. Probably went back into the garage...or out. Who knew? Who cared?



I read Juliana two books, got them ready for bed and tucked them in.

My eyes glazed over the television screen. I wasn't even listening to it. I was just tired. Tired of existing really.



I lay in bed last night thinking...when. It was only a matter of time before the change. It was going to happen - the change. I just didn't know when.