A bit on the better side...

Well, things look to be a bit better between Peter and I. That is...until it's time to tell him that I want to go out with friends.
He insists that he treats everyone like shit at the track. It's because he's under stress to get his car running the way he wants it to, sometimes not knowing what will work and what won't. After all of the arguing he promises that he'll try to be kind to me if I'm there but he doesn't want the kids to come anymore.
I suppose he feels responsible that I'm not having a good time if they're there and to top it off, I'm not paying any attention to him since the girls want all my attention.

Stella and Nickie want to get together this Friday night. I wonder how well that's going to go over. I haven't told him about next week yet.

*sigh...pray for me.
Trin

Disaster

Father's day was a disaster.
Pete didn't spend it with his father. Was selfish and wanted to go to the track. Last minute, I decided to go with the kids. Met Mary there. Vince's sister. 27 years old and getting quite a liking to Pete....or at least that's what it looks like.
Pete treated me like shit. I don't know ....it just felt as if he didn't want me there. Like I was a burden. Like I shouldn't have gone. Like he wasn't expecting me to go.

We had arguments about trust, fidelity and honesty. He thinks I'm being unfaithful or lying. I'm not sure whether or not he's just trying to put ideas in my head about Mary just to get me back. To make me feel jealous for once. He wants to give me a taste of my own medicine. We left the track and I went to dads while he went home driving Bernie, Mary and her brother Vince back home. To my surprise, when I came home I found Vince and Mary at our kitchen table. They apparently had dinner together.

I cried myself to sleep last night. After talking ...arguing...talking until midnight I suggested we go to sleep and was just going to let the whole thing go. I chalked it up to stress of the day with his car. I asked for a hug and he said he was coming to bed too.
When I got in bed I lay beside him expecting him to give me a hug but he didn't. I turned around in tears. He apologised telling me he thought I was holding him. He tried to stop me from crying by holding me tight. It was the first time I've seen him sensitive enough to hold me while I cried in his arms. He fell asleep and I got up, had a smoke while the rush of crazy ideas trampled through my head.
He looked sincerely sorry this morning. I'm still sad.

Stirring the brew...

Well, it's been a couple of months and nothing drastic, depressing or exciting to write about until today. I just need to get this out without talking to friends or ahem.. a professional.

Peter and I are....I'm not sure what we are. It has been difficult at home these past few days. The arguing has gotten to the point where ultimatums have been given. I refuse to change for him. I don't want to be someone he wants me to be. If he can't accept me for who I am then there is no US. I'm not doing anything wrong but in his eyes, he thinks I'm going to be coerced into ....something bad.

He doesn't come out and say it but he wants me to no longer go out to watch friends perform in bands or to any concerts. He constantly brings up how much he doesn't trust me, the time I spend on the computer, what I'm doing on the computer, if I'm talking to guys, if my sister is corrupting my mind etc etc etc...
I can't have any friends (girls or guys) without him being suspicious of something. I can't buy new clothes, lose weight or fix myself up in any way because he thinks I'm doing it for "someone". There's gotta be a reason and it has to be that I'm looking for someone else. He's insecure. He has always been insecure. He'll never fully trust me. I know that now. I've come to accept it but that's not going to stop me from enjoying life. In MY eyes...HE'S the one with the problem. He has to deal with his insecurities. It doesn't matter how many times I reassure him, he still comes back at me with the same arguement.

Last night I came to the point of saying "This is who I am. Take it, or leave it". I'm not going to change into someone I'm not. Needless to say, he didn't like that much. He thinks I don't care about our relationship when I say that but I do. I just want him to love me for me. I want him to accept that I'm my own person, that I'm smart and that I won't cheat on him no matter who I'm with.

I'm tired. Tired of listening to the same story of how much he doesn't trust me. Tired of having to defend myself when I've done nothing wrong. Tired of conforming to someone else's lifestyle. Tired of the insecurities, but most of all, tired of him bringing up the past and having him dangle it over my head everytime he thinks I'm going behind his back to cheat on him. I've told him multiple times that if I wanted to cheat on him that I wouldn't be with him anymore. It's getting stale.

Facebook. I don't hide anything ....in fact my sister thinks I reveal too much. How can I reveal too much and hide shit at the same time? Peter gave me shit about it last night and doesn't like the fact that I have a facebook page even though all my friends and family have one. It's a way to keep in touch with them. Socialize. He thinks it's a cheating tool.

The last thing he said to me last night was that he's confused.
What do I do? I guess time will tell.

Trin