Stirring the brew...

Well, it's been a couple of months and nothing drastic, depressing or exciting to write about until today. I just need to get this out without talking to friends or ahem.. a professional.

Peter and I are....I'm not sure what we are. It has been difficult at home these past few days. The arguing has gotten to the point where ultimatums have been given. I refuse to change for him. I don't want to be someone he wants me to be. If he can't accept me for who I am then there is no US. I'm not doing anything wrong but in his eyes, he thinks I'm going to be coerced into ....something bad.

He doesn't come out and say it but he wants me to no longer go out to watch friends perform in bands or to any concerts. He constantly brings up how much he doesn't trust me, the time I spend on the computer, what I'm doing on the computer, if I'm talking to guys, if my sister is corrupting my mind etc etc etc...
I can't have any friends (girls or guys) without him being suspicious of something. I can't buy new clothes, lose weight or fix myself up in any way because he thinks I'm doing it for "someone". There's gotta be a reason and it has to be that I'm looking for someone else. He's insecure. He has always been insecure. He'll never fully trust me. I know that now. I've come to accept it but that's not going to stop me from enjoying life. In MY eyes...HE'S the one with the problem. He has to deal with his insecurities. It doesn't matter how many times I reassure him, he still comes back at me with the same arguement.

Last night I came to the point of saying "This is who I am. Take it, or leave it". I'm not going to change into someone I'm not. Needless to say, he didn't like that much. He thinks I don't care about our relationship when I say that but I do. I just want him to love me for me. I want him to accept that I'm my own person, that I'm smart and that I won't cheat on him no matter who I'm with.

I'm tired. Tired of listening to the same story of how much he doesn't trust me. Tired of having to defend myself when I've done nothing wrong. Tired of conforming to someone else's lifestyle. Tired of the insecurities, but most of all, tired of him bringing up the past and having him dangle it over my head everytime he thinks I'm going behind his back to cheat on him. I've told him multiple times that if I wanted to cheat on him that I wouldn't be with him anymore. It's getting stale.

Facebook. I don't hide anything ....in fact my sister thinks I reveal too much. How can I reveal too much and hide shit at the same time? Peter gave me shit about it last night and doesn't like the fact that I have a facebook page even though all my friends and family have one. It's a way to keep in touch with them. Socialize. He thinks it's a cheating tool.

The last thing he said to me last night was that he's confused.
What do I do? I guess time will tell.

Trin