This is a long one....

I had a very rough weekend. I think it started Friday night when Pete reminded me that we had to go to celebrate his mom's birthday on Sunday afternoon. I was disappointed because I had spoken to my sister about taking care of the kids while Pete and I did something (anything) together. Now, those plans were all shot to hell and Pete got upset because I said that. I had to take 45 minutes to explain that I was really looking forward to spending some time with him and I wasn't upset that we had to go see his parents but that I had forgotten about the whole thing.

I basically felt like Cinderella on Saturday. I knew it would be a shitty day as soon as I woke up because the kids got up at 6am and I had a whole list of cleaning to do.

When I clean, I make a to-do list. I write down everything that needs to be done, like make the beds, dust the bedroom, wash the floor...you know, but it has to be specific or I'll find a way to cut corners and cheat myself into not doing it. Believe it or not, this process has worked well in the past for me. I see it, I do it. If it's not there, I'll just psych myself into thinking it wasn't important enough for me to write down and it won't get done.

Saturday's list was a long one but it was a good thing I had time on my side. By about 7:30am, I had finished my breakfast and leisure time with the paper and started the mission. The kids were ok. They only bugged me about 20 times during my cleaning frenzy but I was grooving. I had my James Blunt CD blarring in my portable and got more done in 2 hours than I would have normally done.
The kids were outside for a half hour before I called them in for lunch. By that time I had two things left to do on my list. Washing the floor, which I did after lunch after our 1pm much needed nap and cleaning out the fridge, which I left for Sunday morning.

By Saturday night around 6pm I found myself feeling like crap. Pete went out again and I found myself watching "The Notebook" and feeling depressed after the kids went to bed. James Blunt and "The Notebook"....not a very good combination for someone suffering from depression.

By Sunday, I was peeking. I did have a nice quiet time when I went shopping but the stress level rose when I got home. Pete obviously had slept in until 11am (just before I had gotten home). I hate when he does that. It makes me so jealous! I wish I had it that good....stay out all night, wake up at noon without a care in the world......thank goodness I had cleaned out the fridge before I went shopping.

Needless to say, I was not looking forward to go to the in-laws that afternoon. I knew Nick and Antonella were going to be there with the kids and they were the last people I had wanted to see that afternoon. I finally had realized on the drive over that my depression was the reason why I had been so down and irritable.
That afternoon went slow and it was 6pm by the time we got outta there. We drove to blockbuster, rented a movie and Pete fell asleep on the couch. What else is new?

People without depression will never understand what it feels like when it hits you. It's a feeling of lonliness and helplessness that leaves you wondering why you're here on earth. It's a feeling of being all alone in your thoughts and it feels like no matter what you do, no matter who's around or what's happening, life has no meaning. Nothing makes sense.

It's times like these when I think about death and making "arrangements". I don't openly talk about my depression which is why I absolutely hate going to the Dr's office. I'm embarrassed by it. People think that depression is contagious or they think of you as an emotional loser, weak and helpless. I'll be damned if I'l have others think of me that way. I'd rather die.....now there's an ongoing thought.

I think it's time to see Dr. Kauffman....again.