Stella's halloween party neighbours.

I don't know what to do next.
My sister had invited me to her neighbours Halloween party last Saturday night. A couple of days prior, I told him about it and said that I really don't care if I go or not but if you don't have any plans that I'd like to go. He said it'd be ok. I remember telling him that if it sucked that I'd be home early anyway.
Just before leaving I kissed the kids and made the mistake of telling Pete that I'd probably be home in a couple of hours thinking I wouldn't have a good time. Well, I had a great time. Met all of Stella's neighbours and friends and they're such great party people. I had a wonderful time dancing and socializing that I ended up leaving at around 2am.

Pete was furious when I got home that he didn't say a word to me. I went to bed and knew it was going to be another awful Sunday and prayed that it wouldn't last the whole day. It did.

To make a long story short, I bought myself a phone to make him feel more comfortable when going out. I hate cell phones! I feel like I'm checking in with my father. Geez, my own father didn't do that to me! Fine. If it makes him feel better about going out, fine. Maybe it'll set his mind at ease.
He thinks I don't care and I don't respect him enough to either come home at a decent hour or call him to let him know how I'm doing. I know he worries about me but this is rediculous! I'm a grown woman, not a teenager!
He feels as though I've bombarded him with all these rules now. I know it's just a matter of time until he gets used to the fact that he can't control me anymore. I just wonder if I can keep my head up about the waves. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. Why bother? I know deep down that you can't change a person. He's going to have to want to change and it feels like I'm forcing him.

The saga continues tomorrow.
Trin

More talks....

Why do I feel awful?

I spoke to Pete last night about his controlling behaviour and ...yes, I called it abuse. At first he was furious. He literally threw the phone at me yelling to call 911 because he's "abusing me". He was going to storm out and Danica started crying. (God! I hate it when we get into these arguements in front of the kids. Even when I point out that we should stop because the kids are being affected, he doesn't).
I decided after a shouting match, some reasoning, to show him the website where it describes the feelings associated with a controller...an abuser and how their victims feel. He came back quietly and sat down and the first thing he said was, "I don't do ALL those things." Then he slouched in his chair and played the martyr. He kept sarcastically saying he must be a terribly bad person and that he doesn't deserve anything. I knew he was making me feel guilty about the whole subject and was doing a very good job of it because now ...I feel like shit.

I knew it had to be done and I give thanks to my guides for giving me the strength to let it all out but I just felt so empty inside. I didn't want to hurt him, I just wanted him to realize what he was doing to me and how wrong it was. I want him to change.

Could I be wrong? I'm now questioning if I'm the one who's wrong...that maybe he just cares and is overly worried about me. He's a jealous man and some would say that it's because he loves me. I know he loves me.

He woke up early this morning. He didn't say anything to me. He sat at the table with his hands on his head and sulked. I'm sure he's afraid I'm going to leave him even though I told him I'm staying. I want to help him. I explained that I feel like I'm someone who has just told and convinced that their loved one is an alcoholic and needs help. I don't know whether he's in denial or upset because I've found this out and it's going to have to change. ??

He's afraid of the change.
I wonder how far he'll go before this all explodes in my face.

Trin

Who am I???

My mind is reeling with info today. Thoughts about what Stella and I have discussed last night keep me from working so I surf the web for info about how I'm feeling and the situation I'm in. I've come to the realization that my relationship with Pete has always been a controlled one. As I searched on-line I found this below. I pulled this off an info site on controlling and abusive relationships.


Effective that signs you might see in yourself (if you are the one being controlled) are:

Who am I? — A feeling that you don't really know who you are anymore. You start to believe you are all these shameful, terrible things or are becoming someone you don't even recognize. (I don't believe I'm shameful but I know that Pete becomes defensive when I try to unravel who I really am. Sometimes it feels like I've lost a part of myself by being with him all these years. I'm no longer my outgoing self but that's partly due to my depression.)

Chronic fear — For reasons you can't quite name, you feel afraid all the time. It is the fear that you are losing yourself and that you are powerless. (I used to be afraid to get him angry for fear of his reactions toward myself or the children or our pets. He has thrown various things when angry. Not directly at me. He has knocked holes in walls and doors and they're a constant reminder of our difficulties. His favourite quote: Payback is a bitch!)

Fantasies of escape — Whether they are thoughts of fleeing the relationship or even thoughts that you or your partner will die so you will be free, these kinds of frightening thoughts will come to you. (There have been countless times where I've fantisized about life without him. Leaving him wouldn't be an option due to financial difficulties.)

Questioning reality — The controller is so busy changing the reality of what he is doing by denying, lying, rationalizing and beating up on you that you really no longer trust your sense of what's really happening anywhere and with everyone. (He tells me he's afraid for me. That he cares and doesn't want to see others hurt me. Rationalizing his love with control. )

Isolation — Controllers work to isolate you from anyone else in your life who may support you and make their work more difficult. They may be intensely jealous and keep you from both friends and family. Eventually you find yourself isolated from everyone but him. (He has never isolated me from my family but I don't have any friends and he gets suspicious when I go out with my sister. Sometimes I feel like he keeps me in a cage and is afraid that I may fly away.)

Lying — You will start lying to others in order to collude with him that nothing is going on. You will defend him despite your own panic and this will require distorting the truth to anyone that asks. (He never did trust me but I can understand when he says this because I'd lie to him about things so that he wouldn't get angry with me or so that I'd have some freedom of doing what I wanted to do and he has caught me in those lies several times.)

What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm smarter than this! I'm well educated. I grew up in a traditional but loving home but I'm not stupid! I should recognize the signs of abuse!
I've spoken to an on-line therapist before and thought I had resolved this problem.

Peter says it's me who is changing and he's right. I no longer want to be controlled and it's scaring him. I'm no longer afraid to tell him the truth. I no longer want to feel trapped behind his cage. I want to have friends and go out and have fun. I'm not disregarding my resposibilities at home but I want to share them with him and have him give me a chance to socialize. He sees all that as a threat. Tells me that in order for me to change, he'd have to change his life as well and he disapproves of that completely. He distrusts everyone I come into contact with including my new friend or her mother.... The Doctor!
He asked me why I went to this doctor and why I just didn't go to Dr. Kauffman. I told him that the opportunity presented itself and I took it. He shook his head when he saw her suggestions on the vitamins I should be taking. Never mind....I don't want to go there.

What do I do now?
Talk about feeling lost.
Trin

Trin

What else is new?

I'm confused.
I thought the get together with my sister would have left me feeling better but all it did was make me feel like shit. We're obviously having similar problems with our husbands and we discussed them in detail for 5 hours. 2 cappucino's, 2 latte's, a 6" sweet chicken terriaki sandwich and countless smokes later, we came to the conclusion that our men are insensitive, uncaring bastards who need their mothers not their wives. What else is new?

We talked about how much easier it would be to live with another woman and played around with the idea of ditching our men and bunking together with our kids. We'd be there for each other emotionally, that's for sure. We'd have shared responsibilities around the house and wouldn't have to be told (or nagged) 20 times to do it.
But, when you think long and hard about it, there is a down side to the idea and it's not the physical or sexual lack I'm worried about because we also discussed the silmplicity of a celibate life..... but it would be more of the intimacy and romance between a man and woman that we'd miss. Intimacy....Romance....yeah, like I get loads of it now. Being swept off my feet is a daily occurance in my house. (insert rolley eyes here)

I got home at a decent hour considering that I had to go to work this morning. At 11pm I walked in finding Pete having a smoke at the kitchen table and he didn't say a word to me. He didn't even look my way. I asked how the kids did and what they ate and if the dogs were fed (which they weren't...not surprising) and he replied with short answers in a monotone. I made lunches for the next day while he layed on the couch and watched TV. I joined him 10 minutes later and soon after looked over to find him snoring away.

I lay there, eyes gazed over at the TV, not paying attention but glancing at the dancing images before me, thinking of everything that Stella and I talked about previously. She also asked me to come to one of her neighbours Halloween party this Saturday night but I know the mere mention of taking "his" Saturday night is going to have him in a tailspin. I'm still debating whether or not I want to fight that battle or if I have the energy to. My mind was still racing it was after 12am and I didn't feel the slightest bit tired.

How pathetic, I thought. He didn't ask me how my night went. He didn't ask about Stella and how she was doing. Fuckin' loser. He didn't even look at me which can only draw up one conclusion. He was pissed. About what?
I don't know... but I'm sure I'll find out tonight.

Trin

The Resurrection....

It's alive!

Pete has performed quite the miracle. He took my car into his shop Saturday night and returned at 3am with a new engine in my Honda Civic. It's running quite nicely now although it still needs some major work. Front and back shocks and struts, a new windshield, new carpet and new ball joints, not to mention a few other do-dads like fixing the stereo and speakers so that I may hear some more of my James.

Amen to that!

Trin

Surfing the waves...

It's just as I expected. There are going to be big waves and little waves to surf after confronting Pete with my "freedom" speech two days ago.

Last night he seemed disturbed so I asked him what was wrong. He's still troubled by my "coming out of the closet" so to speak. He thinks everything's going to change between us. He believes that my choices are going to be the final word and he won't be able to comment about anything I do or say.
He's afraid...... and I accept that and hope to God that I'll be able to convince him that everything is going to be OK.

I mentioned that I'd be going out with my sister next week. He just saw that as an opportunity to pounce on me saying that "it's starting" and how much he feels threatened. I can see that it's going to take him a little while to get used to having me enjoy my life instead of keeping me in a cage like a bird.
Isn't that a form of abuse? You know, many people would tell me it is and it only took me 13yrs to fight back. Sad really. I think it has to do with how I was raised as well. I never thought of it being abnormal to be confined within the home as a wife especially after the kids were born. It's like growing up to believe that it's a sin to have sex before marriage. Or that sex is dirty. Yeah....right.

I'm just wondering how long my surfboard will last before breaking in two.

Oh, btw....I'm getting much better at connecting with my spirit guide. I've also read up on Aura's and the meaning behind their colours when the strangest thing occured to me. I've always seen a blue hue around James and after today, I found out why.
Read this....http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/amethystbt/aurablue.html

It's pretty amazing if you ask me.

Trin

I'm Free!

It feels like I've been liberated! I'm finally able to breath some fresh air and many sighs of relief after yesterday.

Pete and I got into one of the biggest arguements ever.
I've always been afraid to speak to him about what I really want, where I really want to go and who I want to go with. Well, I'm making waves baby and quite proud of myself for no longer having to lie about things so that I wouldn't worry him, make him feel insecure or get myself into a heated match with him. That's no longer going to happen.

It's like I was filled with confidence and strength and accepted that anything could happen. I wasn't afraid of the consequences for once in my life. I believe my spirit guide has helped me by giving me the courage to "come clean", start enjoying my life and live it to the fullest instead of hiding who I really am.

He was ready to leave after I had told him about Maia and that Stella didn't come with me to the concert. I told him that he'd better think about what he was doing before doing it. I shouldn't have threatened but I knew it was needed for him to stay and talk to resolve this issue (if we could ever find a resolution, that is). He went on about the lying and deception and how he could never trust me and I constantly repeated how much he meant to me and having to put more worries on his shoulders than necessary. I also mentioned how belittled I felt when I couldn't do the things I had wanted or why I couldn't make friends with anyone because of him and his lack of trust in me. Talking to him about my wishes was either a choice between lying to him in order to keep the peace or telling him the truthand making waves. I'm choosing to make waves now whether he likes it or not. He can't have it both ways. God knows I love him and we're in this life together for the long haul but there's no damn way I'm going to let him make me feel like I'm not living anymore.

Anyway, to make the story short, we've resolved that issue. He has explained to me how he worries about me going downtown alone. He's afraid for me and I understand his concern but at the same time I've explained how I'm really not "living" if I don't experience the things that I feel so passionately about. The night ended with a mutual and respectful understanding toward each other and I'm happy to say I haven't felt this free in years. I've been a coward and now feel as though I can jump mountains. I no longer have to hide! My inner child can come out to play!

Even though the waves may climb (which I'm sure they will when all my other little secrets are revealed), rest assured that I'll emerge a stronger, better person for it....with or without him.

Finally free,
Trin

Retarded? No, just a little deaf.

EH?
I'm not retarded. Really. I've had to convince several people here at work that I'm just a little hard of hearing this morning. Now I know what someone who's hard of hearing feels.

This morning I woke up with my left ear plugged. Now, while many would think that it was an intentional move on my part to "numb" the sounds of my kids yelling but....It wasn't. I feel impaired. Especially here at work while answering phones with my right ear. It's like having to write with your left hand while you've always been right handed. I'm all out of sorts and can't seem to function properly. Well, thinking of JB doesn't help get my work done either.

I wonder if he feels the psychic energy I've been sending him. lol
I've just recently read up on how to contact your spirit guide. It's very interesting actually because I've always believed in "guardian angels". We all have our very own ya know. They don't follow us around 27/7 but come when we are in need. I wish I had more psychic abilities. Maybe with some meditation and practice, my guide may reveal herself/himself in time.

Spirituality has always been a big part of my life even though others scoff may at the thought. Why dismiss it? People accept and never question what scientists discover about matter. No one has ever seen an electron, yet evidence points to it's existance. Likewise, evidence points to an existence of a spirit world.

Pete thinks I'm nuts for wanting to experience something ghostly. I would embrace it fully. I'm not afraid of the afterlife for I believe we let in whatever kind of spirit we wish to enter our plain. Good or bad. There have been times when I sense a presence that lifts my mood and times when I know that evil is around me. I've also experienced times when my intuition is at it's highest and I feel something good or something bad is going to happen. There have also been times where I've gotten into mischief for not listening to my spirit guide and times when I shut that door to the spirit world and end up feeling hollow inside.
I can't count how many times I've wanted to hear a special song on the radio and within a few minutes, the DJ plays it. Coincidences? It has happened far too many times for me to think that.

Now, if I can only ask my spirit guide to make dinner for the family tonight...I'd be all set.

Trin

Thanksgiving weekend and a bad Tues morning...

I decided not to have anyone over this Thanksgiving. I just didn't feel like having guests. I think I would have if the basement wasn't covered in sawdust and we had more money to actually throw a party. I really do miss the family.

The weather was beautiful yesterday. I high of 21 degrees and partly sunny. Nonna Maria made her famous gnocchi, chicken, roast, veggies and potatoes and I ate entirely too much for lunch that I skipped dinner. The kids had fun playing with thier cousins but will no doubt catch whatever it is they were sick from. Lovely.

This morning was a bitch.
Getting up early on a Tuesday morning just after a long holiday weekend is like torchure. It's a short week but knowing that makes it feel 10 times longer. Juliana tipped over my coffee cup this morning on the steps and screamed bloody murder. The coffee was hot and I was afraid she had burned her hand because of it. Thank goodness it wasn't serious but we were late yet again this morning. I'm sure I'll get in shit for it one of these days since this tardiness is becoming more routine.

Speaking of routine...it's time to re-think and re-evaluate my workout routine (which hasn't been much of a routine lately). *sigh...back to the drawing board.

Trin

James Blunt review Oct 3/06

I couldn't believe my eyes.
Maia and I sat in the 3rd row centre stage, mouths open and awestruck at how great our seats were and how we had a perfect view of the stage because we were standing for the most part.

James and the band had so much energy and charisma that everyone was left speechless. 15,000 people cheering along to his Back to Bedlam songs and a few new songs thrown in for good measure.

We waited by the buses after the show but he didn't come out which was a bit disappointing since there were only about 15 of us waiting there. I did find out that he was going to the Century on King and Bathurst. Niether of us got in due to the fact that you either had to be a whore dressed in skanky tight clothes and high heels or had to be on their VIP list.
Maia and I did see the band sneak in and I got in a few words with Karl but other than that...nothing.
I also attended the MTV live show to where he did an interview but after 10 minutes he was wisked away, probably to another promotional function. I was quite sad after that. He gives his fans so much and in return would have liked to give him a little something. I had purchased a guitar strap for him. It had the Canadian flag on it. I thought it would have been a nice reminder of all his fans here in Canada. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
I'm glad I got to meet Anne though.

All this makes me come to the realization that I have to stop this little obsession I have and start thinking of what's really going on around me. I've honestly given great consideration to give up the JB board entirely, but I just can't seem to. It's like having to give up and completely stop thinking of Dany. Unthinkable. There's always something or someone there to remind me of him and I'm afraid that if I do stop, I'll lose myself in the process. Life would no longer have meaning.

Dr. Waern once asked me what it is that I liked about James and his music. With careful thought I replied "The similarities. We've both experienced such an unfortunate loss and also the fact that he's a romantic." She didn't find anything romantic about him or his music but I suppose it's all in the way you view it.
You'll find some of my pics from the concert here: http://s99.photobucket.com/albums/l296/Trinity__30/

Trin

A beautiful surprise...and Happy Anniversary.

The kids and I had a great time at the movies on Friday night. "How to Eat Fried Worms" was a cute movie. Made for kids and teaches them about bullying.

I was proud of myself Saturday. The house was spic and span and I even had time to take the kids out and buy them some indoor shoes for school. Yay me.

Sunday was remarkable. After waiting for Pete to cut the grass I drove to Maia's house. Met her mom, Jasper and Val, her German Sheppard. Her hug alone tells me how genuine she is. A refreshing change from all the phonies I've met in my life. Easy to talk to and I'm sure this friendship will be nothing like the others I've had in the past.

She couldn't believe the single digit number on her ticket as I handed it to her and she surprised me with a beautiful bracelet she had made with her own two hands for my birthday. I was shocked to find out she even knew about my birthday. I didn't tell too many people. It sure feels good to be 29 for yet another year though. lol

Dr. Waern was the best. She was everything I expected and more so. Blood tests are scheduled for Wednesday of this week and I have to make an appointment with a Dr. she recommended to check my allergies.

Jasper is as cute as can be. I'm sure my kids would have had a blast playing with him and his train set on the living room floor. I loved his smile and the giggles as he played with Val were precious. It's too bad I couldn't spend more time there and have a go around the track with Thomas the Tank Engine. lol

Today is the day Peter and I got married 130yrs ago. Opps, typo. That's 13 years ago today. I still can't believe it's been that long. He called me this morning and asked if I would marry him again. I paused for a second ...errr, or two and then said "I do". Knowing what I know now, I really don't know how to respond to that. I guess if it means having a life without Danica and Juliana then of course I'd marry him again but I can't help but to think what my life would have been like if I had married Dany. Uggh...there I go again.

My car is running like shit. Pete took a look at it last night and told me it's running on 3 cylinders so he's going to work on it tonight so that I can take it tomorrow to the concert. There goes any plans to celebrate our anniversary. I just hope he can patch it up for me and it withstands a few more beatings before finding another car. I want a Mini but with my luck I'll end up with a K car.

Trin