Who am I???

My mind is reeling with info today. Thoughts about what Stella and I have discussed last night keep me from working so I surf the web for info about how I'm feeling and the situation I'm in. I've come to the realization that my relationship with Pete has always been a controlled one. As I searched on-line I found this below. I pulled this off an info site on controlling and abusive relationships.


Effective that signs you might see in yourself (if you are the one being controlled) are:

Who am I? — A feeling that you don't really know who you are anymore. You start to believe you are all these shameful, terrible things or are becoming someone you don't even recognize. (I don't believe I'm shameful but I know that Pete becomes defensive when I try to unravel who I really am. Sometimes it feels like I've lost a part of myself by being with him all these years. I'm no longer my outgoing self but that's partly due to my depression.)

Chronic fear — For reasons you can't quite name, you feel afraid all the time. It is the fear that you are losing yourself and that you are powerless. (I used to be afraid to get him angry for fear of his reactions toward myself or the children or our pets. He has thrown various things when angry. Not directly at me. He has knocked holes in walls and doors and they're a constant reminder of our difficulties. His favourite quote: Payback is a bitch!)

Fantasies of escape — Whether they are thoughts of fleeing the relationship or even thoughts that you or your partner will die so you will be free, these kinds of frightening thoughts will come to you. (There have been countless times where I've fantisized about life without him. Leaving him wouldn't be an option due to financial difficulties.)

Questioning reality — The controller is so busy changing the reality of what he is doing by denying, lying, rationalizing and beating up on you that you really no longer trust your sense of what's really happening anywhere and with everyone. (He tells me he's afraid for me. That he cares and doesn't want to see others hurt me. Rationalizing his love with control. )

Isolation — Controllers work to isolate you from anyone else in your life who may support you and make their work more difficult. They may be intensely jealous and keep you from both friends and family. Eventually you find yourself isolated from everyone but him. (He has never isolated me from my family but I don't have any friends and he gets suspicious when I go out with my sister. Sometimes I feel like he keeps me in a cage and is afraid that I may fly away.)

Lying — You will start lying to others in order to collude with him that nothing is going on. You will defend him despite your own panic and this will require distorting the truth to anyone that asks. (He never did trust me but I can understand when he says this because I'd lie to him about things so that he wouldn't get angry with me or so that I'd have some freedom of doing what I wanted to do and he has caught me in those lies several times.)

What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm smarter than this! I'm well educated. I grew up in a traditional but loving home but I'm not stupid! I should recognize the signs of abuse!
I've spoken to an on-line therapist before and thought I had resolved this problem.

Peter says it's me who is changing and he's right. I no longer want to be controlled and it's scaring him. I'm no longer afraid to tell him the truth. I no longer want to feel trapped behind his cage. I want to have friends and go out and have fun. I'm not disregarding my resposibilities at home but I want to share them with him and have him give me a chance to socialize. He sees all that as a threat. Tells me that in order for me to change, he'd have to change his life as well and he disapproves of that completely. He distrusts everyone I come into contact with including my new friend or her mother.... The Doctor!
He asked me why I went to this doctor and why I just didn't go to Dr. Kauffman. I told him that the opportunity presented itself and I took it. He shook his head when he saw her suggestions on the vitamins I should be taking. Never mind....I don't want to go there.

What do I do now?
Talk about feeling lost.
Trin

Trin