JB show in NY

I'm so disappointed.
I just came back from reading my e-mails and there were a couple announcing the secret show in NY...for TONIGHT!

J, baby.....you're gonna have to give me a bit more time to arrange for me to get there. I just called the airlines and availability is practically nil and whatever else they had was going to cost me over $1,000 to get there and back!

What's a girl gotta do to catch a break in this town?

Geez, I don't know why I'm so sad. There's no way in hell Pete will let me go to NY alone anyway. I hate him for that. I hate him for being so close minded and possessive. I hate him for not trusting me. I hate hime for not letting me be myself and having to hide who I really am and want to be.

These are the times I wish I were single.

Trin

Inked...

As of Saturday May 27th 2006, I now walk among the brave who have permanantly inked their bodies with art. An ice blue star and moon within a sun is on the outside of my wrist and I've already received many compliments and questions as to why I did it.

Why did I do it?

I guess it's my lame attempt to be different from everyone else. I guess I felt a little "lost in a crowd" so to speak. I guess I want things in my life to change. I guess I'm going through a midlife crisis. I guess I'm totally fucked. lol No, that's not what I really told them. I guess you can count it as one of the many things I want to do before I die.

I never thought I'd actually go through with it but I did and I'm really happy about it. I keep looking at my work of art and feel a sense of peace within me.

The symbol actually means something beautiful and deep if you think about it.
When God made the universe he made the sun, moon and stars so that we'd never be in total darkness.
Fitting, don't you think? Especially when I feel like I'm in the dark about my life most of the time.

My mom doesn' t know about it yet. She's not going to be too happy but what's done is done. As a precaution though, I plan to wear my runners just in case she whips one of her slippers at me or even worse, chases me with the wooden spoon.

Trin

Trouble on the mind/homefront.

I never entered this but two weeks ago I drank myself into a stupor. And, as I drank and drank, I wondered how many pills it would take to make me black out and eventually die.

In case you didn't know it. I suffer from depression.

This weekend was bad too.
I wasn't myself. My doctor changed my prescription a little while ago and it apparently hasn't taken into effect yet. The transition from one medication to the other is gruesomely painstaking. I'm having emotional outbursts and cry fests for no reason. Sometimes wondering if I'll ever make it through. Wondering how I can painlessly do the deed. I keep thinking there are demons influencing my thoughts. They're constantly feeding me messages. I'm worthless. I hate myself. I don't want to live like this. I'm a nobody. I'm such a nobody.

Pete is really taking a toll on me as well. He's obviously not helping when he complains about my computer usage and bringing back old, bad memories. Yes, I am to blame for that whole mess and it seems as though he'll never let me forget it either. I tried to believe that those wounds needed time to heal, that he'll eventually know that he has nothing to worry about when it comes to me being unfaithful but my efforts are useless. Pointless. He doesn't trust me. He never will.

I blame myself. I blame myself and now I have to live in this misery for the rest of my life. So, I'm praying that God will be merciful and hope for a short one. Maybe, just maybe, given enough time....I'll beat him to it.

I think I've suffered enough. I'm tired of my unfulfilling life. Many people have things to be proud of...... achievements that make them stand out from the rest of the crowd, a fulfilling career, a place where they belong. I sadly don't. The one and only thing I can honestly say thats keeping me here are my kids. I can't imagine them living without a mom. I could never do that to them but then again...when I'm in that "state of mind" I tend not to think of anyone but myself and my misery.

I'm glad to say I'm feeling better today. I haven't cried yet but the day isn't over either.

Trin

PS: I didn't get the tattoo Saturday. Frank said he was busy and that I should have left him the template. Funny, when I was driving to the place, something told me it wasn't going to happen. We decided to postpone it to the 27th. If it's meant to be...I'll get it then. If you're interested... this is what I'm planning to get.

Well, I like it.

I May Be Retarded.

No disrespect for those of whom are mentally ill but something is wrong with me.

I'm seriously thinking of getting a small tattoo. I don't know what is possessing me to want one. I could just be going through a mid-life crisis.

As of late, I've been thinking of ways to hold on to my youth and I can't for the life of me figure out why. My getting older never bothered me before. I think I look great for my age. It's a natural process that I've always embraced....until now.

I'm not afraid of growing older. I realize that death is inevidable but at the same time, as the years go by, the actual numbers on the cake seem to disgust me. At the same token I don't feel like I'm special anymore. I want to feel as though there is something original...something about me that no one else has. I think that's why I've been thinking of a tattoo.

I've never had anything against people who've had them done but I don't really like it when guys cover whole arms and backs with them. And, personally, I think it's pointless to have a tattoo if you put if where no one else can see it. I mean....isn't that the whole point of body art? Something small and significant on my wrist is good enough for me. I found a really simple one of the Sun, Moon and a Star which I really liked. In fact both Pete and the kids picked that one out of about 7 or 8 that I've showed them.

Speaking of which...Pete wasn't too happy about the idea of me getting a tattoo. He just thinks it's a waste of money. He also wanted to know the real reason of why I wanted one. He automatically thinks someone put me up to it or that I'm doing it for some stupid reason but when I explained to him what I've explained here, I think he (strangely) understood.

Mom is going to freak when she finds out but by that time, it's too late to complain...right?

Am I fucked? Is this a phase? Should I give this a bit more time?
I am 36yrs old. I can make my own decisions! Why should I be afraid of what anyone would say? I'm not some stupid kid who wants one because she thinks it's "cool".

To me, it's more like jewelery that I'll never lose or break....and I've broken and lost too many to cry over.
I should take the plunge. Yeah. I think will.
I'm calling the place right now.

Trin

It's been...a little while

First off, let me say Happy Birthday Mom! We all went to visit her on Sunday to celebrate Mother's day and her Birthday. I hope she liked her gift certificate to the salon. Getting her hair cut by a professional stylist will be a nice treat from my uncle the barber.

I've been slack. Well, no...not really. I just haven't had the time. I've been busy with work. The paperwork never seems to end. Just when I finish a whole stack, in comes another.

Alot has happened but I really don't know where to start.

I skipped off last Monday. Juliana wasn't feeling well. She'd been coughing the night before and I knew she didn't sleep well. I didn't feel like going in either so we spent the day together, went grocery shopping and watched movies all day.

The operation at the hair clinic went well although now I'm really thinning out and it's getting me a bit worried. I guess being worried doesn't really help the situation either. Dr S. was great. It wasn't painful until Pete drove me home from the office and the drugs wore off. The Tylenol 3's helped when I got home.
I think the worst part of it all were those damn staples at the back of my head. I couldn't sleep well and by the 10th day I was ready to tear them out myself. Luckily my own doctor took a look and decided to take 'em out herself. It was like scratching an itch you couldn't get to for a week. What a relief!
I'm now just worried that everyone at work will find out. I really don't want anyone here to know so I'm trying to conceal it well. It really doesn't help when you're losing hair by the bunches though.

Mother's day was nice although I wished Pete would have planned something for us to do instead of asking "So, what do you wanna do? Where do you want to eat?" Just once I'd like him to make a reservation somewhere instead of us frantically finding somewhere that's open when we're all starving.
Danica made a nice vase at school for me. It was the best gift. A beautiful blue and gold one with a sun, the moon and stars. Speaking of which...

I want to get a tattoo. A small one. One with the sun and moon. I'd put it right on my wrist where everyone can see it and where it's easily concealed if need be. So, I've been searching on www.bullseyetattoos.com. I've found one that I like which is actually attached to a band that would go right around my wrist but it could be too much and Pete might freak out. Well, nothing's been written in stone yet so I'll just keep looking until I find the perfect one and then I'll drop the bomb.

I've also been voting on http://www.hellomagazine.com/vote/mostattractiveman/month/index.html?presentar=resultado&reciente=false
every 15 minutes. You know, the first time I actually saw JB's pic, I really didn't think he was that attractive but knowing a bit of the man himself, I'd say he's one of the most attractive men I've met.

Anyway, gotta go. Today's our volunteer day at St. Joe's. Everyone is out of the office exept the chosen few and it's been really quiet but I have to leave early due to this Grand Finale at the Confrence center we're supposed to meet at.

Better stop off at Timmy's for an X-Lrg so that I don't fall asleep.
Trin

Lyrics

What have you done to me

What have you done to me
I'm a lost fish swimming in a cold sea
Alone in a world of insecurities
Never knowing my fate, my destiny

What have you done to me
I used to be so happy, now I'm not
Wondering if I'm going mad
Sitting in a dark cloud of fog

You still haunt my dreams and days
Even though we've gone our separate ways
My thoughts bind me, torturous pain
Never knowing if I'll ever love again

Will I ever truly live again
You were my one and only friend
My lover, my life
I can't seem to say goodbye

What have you done to me
I count my endless tears
With the passing of the years
Never knowing if my soul will ever be free

What have you done to me.

These are the kind of lyrics or poems one writes when inspired by artists like James Blunt.

Although very personal and all my own, I wonder if he'd like these lyrics.

I'd really suck when it comes to writing music. I remember one song I tried writing the music to when I was around 15 and I from what I can remember it was so lame.

I don't often get into those writing moods but when I do, that's the kind of rubbish that comes out. Often just words in phrases that enter my mind. Most of the time, I don't even bother writing them down. In the case above, I thought I'd share them here with you.

Trin

Playing catch up....

I have so much to write about but there's not enough time in the day.

Being away for a week does have it's advantages and disadvantages. Err, believe it or not with someone in my condition, more disadvantages, I'd say. But, before I can get into any lengthy bloggy details, I have to clear off my desk and catch up on all the work I have piled up.

I thought I'd leave you my previous post of just one of the many CD's I've purchased during my time off. If anything, that song describes most of how my mood was last week.

I'm fucked up....a lost soul.
Sad, isn't it. You'd think I'd at least enjoy some of my time off.

Trin

Andrea Bocelli

MI MANCHI
Fabrizio Berlincioni / Gianfranco Fasano

Mi manchi
Quando il sole da la mano all’orizzonte
Quando il buio spegne il chiasso della gente
La stanchezza addosso che non va più via
Come l’ombra di qualcosa ancora mia.

Mi manchi
Nei tuoi sguardi
E in quell sorriso un pò incosciente
Nelle scuse di quei tuoi probabilmente
Sei quell nodo in gola che non scende giù
E tu e tu

Mi manchi mi manchi
Posso far finta di star bene ma mi manchi
Ora capisco che vuol dire
Averti accanto prima di dormire
Mentre cammino a piedi nudi dentro l’anima

Mi manchi e potrei
Cercarmi un’altra donna ma m’ingannerci
Sei il mio rimorso senza fine
Il freddo delle mie mattine
Quando mi guardo intorno
E sento che mi manchi

Ora che io posso darti un pò di più
E tu e tu

Mi manchi e potrei
Cercarmi un’altra donna ma m’ingannerci
Sei il mio rimorso senza fine
Il freddo delle mie mattine
Quando mi guardo intorno
E sento che mi manchi
© Emi Songs Edizioni Musicali S.r.l / Sony Music Publishing S.r.l

Want to know the translation? Be prepared to cry....have some tissues nearby....


I MISS YOU

I miss you -
When the sun touches the horizon
When darkness covers the sounds of the people,
The listlessness no longer goes away
Like the shadow of something that’s still mine

I miss you -
In your look
In that thoughtless smile
In those excuses of yours,
You’re the lump in my throat that doesn’t go away
It’s you, it’s you

I miss you, I miss you
I can pretend to be okay but I miss you
Now I know what I need to say -
To have you near before going to sleep
While I stand undisguised within my soul

I miss you and I could find another woman
but I’d be cheating myself
You’re my regret without an end and
The chill of my mornings,
When I look inside myself
And know that I miss you.

Now that I can give you a little more -
It’s you, it’s you

I miss you and I could have another woman but
I’d only be cheating myself,
You’re my regret without an end and
The chill of my mornings,
When I look inside myself
And know that I miss you.

Translation by A. Waterbury