Trouble on the mind/homefront.

I never entered this but two weeks ago I drank myself into a stupor. And, as I drank and drank, I wondered how many pills it would take to make me black out and eventually die.

In case you didn't know it. I suffer from depression.

This weekend was bad too.
I wasn't myself. My doctor changed my prescription a little while ago and it apparently hasn't taken into effect yet. The transition from one medication to the other is gruesomely painstaking. I'm having emotional outbursts and cry fests for no reason. Sometimes wondering if I'll ever make it through. Wondering how I can painlessly do the deed. I keep thinking there are demons influencing my thoughts. They're constantly feeding me messages. I'm worthless. I hate myself. I don't want to live like this. I'm a nobody. I'm such a nobody.

Pete is really taking a toll on me as well. He's obviously not helping when he complains about my computer usage and bringing back old, bad memories. Yes, I am to blame for that whole mess and it seems as though he'll never let me forget it either. I tried to believe that those wounds needed time to heal, that he'll eventually know that he has nothing to worry about when it comes to me being unfaithful but my efforts are useless. Pointless. He doesn't trust me. He never will.

I blame myself. I blame myself and now I have to live in this misery for the rest of my life. So, I'm praying that God will be merciful and hope for a short one. Maybe, just maybe, given enough time....I'll beat him to it.

I think I've suffered enough. I'm tired of my unfulfilling life. Many people have things to be proud of...... achievements that make them stand out from the rest of the crowd, a fulfilling career, a place where they belong. I sadly don't. The one and only thing I can honestly say thats keeping me here are my kids. I can't imagine them living without a mom. I could never do that to them but then again...when I'm in that "state of mind" I tend not to think of anyone but myself and my misery.

I'm glad to say I'm feeling better today. I haven't cried yet but the day isn't over either.

Trin

PS: I didn't get the tattoo Saturday. Frank said he was busy and that I should have left him the template. Funny, when I was driving to the place, something told me it wasn't going to happen. We decided to postpone it to the 27th. If it's meant to be...I'll get it then. If you're interested... this is what I'm planning to get.

Well, I like it.