Down memory lane...

Hey.
Was just reminiscing about my old diaries and thought I'd post a few words since it has been a few years since I've added anything.

My life has been a whirlwind since my last post and yet, as I look back at all that has happened, I'd have to say that nothing major happend.
I did manage to get my hands on enough money for a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy to which I lost 64lbs. I now resemble my pictures from highschool. Thrilled, isn't a strong enough word to describe how I feel about it. Shopping is a pleasure now.
I did also have my gallbladder out. The first attact scared me shitless. Thought I was having a heart attack until I figured out what the heck was giving me all that pain.

Pete and I are still together. His trust issues have lessened but we still have the occasional arguement about it. Normal, right? I sold my Camaro. Pete still thinks I'm going to race his car this year but....I think not. I think I'll leave the racing to the big boys.
Concerts are still my thing. Music makes me happy. James makes me happy.

Still working. Kids are bigger...and mouthier. lol My oldest daughter has just been diagnosed with OCD. Very stressful to say the least but she's on medication and going to therapy.

Somewhere along the way, between my last post and this one, I've noticed that my life was pretty blah so I made a vow to myself that I'd experience everything life had to offer (if and when the opportunity comes/came). Well, that's what life's all about ...isn't it?
I tried pot last week for the very first time. Yeah, me. At 42yrs old decided hey...I wonder what the hype is all about so Pete got some and we smoked up together. He obviously smoked much more than I did and felt sick afterwards. Poor guy.
Me? I laughed at the stupidest thoughts. Two days later I smoked up but this time more and was really spaced out. I can honestly tell you that the first 10 minutes was fun but then it just became annoying. Not my cup-o-tea I suppose. At least now I can go to my grave having experienced it and I don't have to think about it anymore.

Work is kinda slow so if I think of anything major, I'll make sure to post again.
Ciao for now.

Holy crap! Where do I begin?

Yes, it has been almost a year since I've posted anything here. I almost forgot I had this account. What pulled me here today, I'll never know.

Let's see. Yes, Peter and I went to counselling. Ended up after 5 sessions having to agree that even through all the fighting we're the best of friends. Can I live with that? I'm going to ...for the sake of my children. Financially, it's not a feesable option to leave either.

I've pondered many things this past year. My yo-yo'ing weight, my relationship with my husband, the kids, the house, the car, money, my job, my sanity....
I've decided not to fight anymore but to embrace his hobby and treat it like my own and possibly, just possibly find it to be one that I'd like to pursue. So.... I asked him to build me a car for the track. One that he could teach me to drive and in the process, hopefully become closer.
My 70 Camaro is now sitting in my trailer on the driveway with about 8 passes on it already. My first time out was with his 89 z28 and I went 11.87 seconds at 121 miles per hour. My last pass... a quick 10.57 seconds at 130 mph. Not too shabby, huh?

I'm proud of myself for actually doing it. I never thought I'd have the balls to get my ass behind the wheel and go that fast but, I did. I just chalk it up to positive self talk which goes something along the lines of "I'm not afraid to die". The pedal is plasterd to the floorboard when I think like that.
Sometimes I regret it. I regret having to "give into" his obsession and try to make it my own. I say "give in" because it's not me. It was never my "thing"...it's his. And there are other times I feel as though this racing is the only thing that will keep us together. A hobby we can both enjoy.

Summers almost over....then what are we going to do?

Tonight's the night...

Tonight's the night both Peter and I go to couples counseling. I'm going to say that I'm nervous and frightened for both myself and the Dr. I hope Peter can restrain his anger if something he dislikes is said. He told me he'd actually get up and walk out if this Dr. starts pointing fingers and I reassured him that that's not what they do. (I hope).

We'll see how this goes. I have the strangest feeling we're not going to get anything accomplished in this first session even though I desperately want to know (for my own sanity) if this marriage is worth hanging on to. Pete's been so selfish that I don't know if is willing to bend. I can see things getting better during the winter months but come spring, he'll be the same car/track obsessed person he was this past summer.

Oh, on a different note....I'm truly convinced that his temper has something to do with the build up of hormones in his pelvic region. We had sex two nights ago and we haven't fought since. He actually spent all day with me Saturday even though he didn't do much around the house until I asked him. Even so, it's very ...very, so not Peter.

Well, I'm not going to expect much tonight unless by some miracle the good Dr. shows Peter the light.

Trin

Change is near....

I came home last night from my hairstylist. I decided about a week ago that I had wanted to do something different to my look so last night I finally went through with it.



I got a perm. The last time I got a perm was about 15 yrs ago, around the time I had met and went out with Peter.

When I came home, Peter was in the garage changing the breaks on his truck and talking to our neighbour Joe. I quickly grabbed my things out of the car, said a quick hi and ran inside.



I was really itching to style my wet, newly permed hair but it was already 8pm and I was so hungry. Even before I sat to take a bite, the kids were all over me. My youngest was itching for me to read the new library book she had brought home and my eldest was telling me about her problems.



Stressed, hungry and anxious I sat there while Peter walked in and didn't say a word. He sat down asking why I was so angry and I said it was because I was hungry and the kids were already on my case before I even had a chance to sit down. By this time I had quickly glanced in the mirror and thought I had made a horrible mistake. My hair looked like a poodle. I knew if I had just took 10 minutes to fix it up it would have been better but the negative thoughts kept pounding my brain.



I asked him what was wrong and he bluntly said, "no comment". "What's wrong? You don't like it?" I replied. To which he said, "It looks awful."

I was already self concious at it was. "Thanks for making me feel like shit" I said.

"Do you want me to lie to you?" he replied. "No, but you could have said it in a nicer way." I said angrily.



I got up and walked to the bathroom locking the door behind me. I wanted to cry but I didn't. I was too angry to cry. I fixed my hair and talked myself into not hearing the hurtful voices inside my head. When I came back to the kitchen, he was gone. Probably went back into the garage...or out. Who knew? Who cared?



I read Juliana two books, got them ready for bed and tucked them in.

My eyes glazed over the television screen. I wasn't even listening to it. I was just tired. Tired of existing really.



I lay in bed last night thinking...when. It was only a matter of time before the change. It was going to happen - the change. I just didn't know when.

Bland life...exciting book...

What's been going on?
Too many things to list and not enough time to list 'em.

Thanks to Amanda I've decided to write again.
Reading my past post I can honestly say these past 2 months or so haven't been the easiest. The Pinks All Out event? I went. It was a disaster just as I predicted it would have been. Peter's obsessed with nothing more than his car and the track.

I'm trying to analyze myself instead of him though. Why am I so angry with him? Disappointed? Is it because I'm jealous that his friends spend more time with him than I do? Is it because he spends money on his car without even thinking about saving it for a vacation for us? Is it because we have nothing in common? Is it because of our impending debts? Or is it because I need a hobby and stay out of his?

He has said that I'm trying to change him...that his hobby has nothing to do with me but ...it does. Doesn't it? If he didn't have this obsession, would he spend more time with me? With our family? Fixing up the house?

I've come to realise after months of arguing that this problem won't go away on it's own. It has unwelcomely branched out into other problems between us that I can't seem to solve. And, neither can he. I'm just glad that there hasn't been any reoccuring violent behaviour...err, except the one night I had to load up the kids in the car and drive off for 2 hours because of his temper and the thought of him blowing off the handle (at the kids) really frightened me.

I've finally convinced him to see a couple's councelor. This ...the last attempt at keeping our relationship together. It was an untimatum. I've made the appointment with a male councelor (his demand) in two weeks. Male because I suppose he thinks his behaviour will be less likely to be scrutinized. He did add that he'd walk right out if this councelor starts "preaching" to him about his car.
Needless to say, I've already started looking around for an alternate living arrangement.

On an upnote, have you read Twilight by Stephenie Meyer yet? Don't wait until the movie comes out. Too good not to soak in every detail of this story.

I hate to say it but I shouldn't be reading these books. Although I love them dearly, I get so immersed in them that I start believing that every man should be like Edward. Romantic, charming, protective, thoughtful, chivalrous......perfect. And when they aren't, I hate them for it.
I know it's wrong to expect your other half to be perfect. No body's perfect but is it wrong to believe you deserve more than you settled for? Is it wrong to want more out of love? Out of life?

I'll have to admit. I'm a very passionate person. It's an "I'd rather have it all or nothing" way of thinking. I think though after years of giving and not getting anything in return, I've become numb. So much so that I've stopped trying to look for those behaviours because even if and when I did find them they're be bland in comparision. So much so that I've stopped giving because the outcome would be nothing but disappointment.

I think too much for my own good.
Trin

Ain't getting any better...

I'm at a loss.
Last month all we did was argue. This month seems like a repeat of last month and things aren't getting any better. Well, our bedroom door can't get any worse since he has already put two holes in it. I'm not surprised with his outbursts of anger anymore.
He's just lucky it was the door and not my face. Or should I say, I'M the one who's lucky....? Just another constant reminder of his tantrums.

I'm getting bitter about the fact that he can do whatever he wants but as soon as I do the same thing, he gets into this power struggle with me. He doesn't make time for me anymore because he's excited about taking the car to the track and I'm feeling neglected. I told him so last night.
Am I just getting him back? I suppose I am. Sometimes I think giving him a little of his own medicine is the only way he'll actually "get it".

I've decided not to go to Pinks All Out with him this weekend. After the talk we had about the last time I came with the kids, I've decided that from this day onward I'll never be going with him again. EVER. Of course, I didn't tell him that directly. I get this burning feeling that he doesn't want me there, even though he tells me he does (without the kids of course because they are supposedly the reason why I don't give him the attention he wants when they're with me). Ahh...the infamous EGO!
Well, I go for different reasons. I go to spend time with him. A day out with the family. I go because we do absolutely nothing else together. I'm making an effort! He apparently goes with one thing on his mind. Making his car run faster. Hence, the rudeness and lack of smiles when I am there.

Now, I'm thinking....why should I put in the effort if he doesn't? This relationship isn't a one way street! I expect him to at least take an interest in doing something with me.
It's like he has blinders on. His path is one dimensional right now and I'm feeling cheated.

You know....I think this "lack of attention" is the main reason why people cheat on each other.

Trin

A bit on the better side...

Well, things look to be a bit better between Peter and I. That is...until it's time to tell him that I want to go out with friends.
He insists that he treats everyone like shit at the track. It's because he's under stress to get his car running the way he wants it to, sometimes not knowing what will work and what won't. After all of the arguing he promises that he'll try to be kind to me if I'm there but he doesn't want the kids to come anymore.
I suppose he feels responsible that I'm not having a good time if they're there and to top it off, I'm not paying any attention to him since the girls want all my attention.

Stella and Nickie want to get together this Friday night. I wonder how well that's going to go over. I haven't told him about next week yet.

*sigh...pray for me.
Trin