Tonight's the night...

Tonight's the night both Peter and I go to couples counseling. I'm going to say that I'm nervous and frightened for both myself and the Dr. I hope Peter can restrain his anger if something he dislikes is said. He told me he'd actually get up and walk out if this Dr. starts pointing fingers and I reassured him that that's not what they do. (I hope).

We'll see how this goes. I have the strangest feeling we're not going to get anything accomplished in this first session even though I desperately want to know (for my own sanity) if this marriage is worth hanging on to. Pete's been so selfish that I don't know if is willing to bend. I can see things getting better during the winter months but come spring, he'll be the same car/track obsessed person he was this past summer.

Oh, on a different note....I'm truly convinced that his temper has something to do with the build up of hormones in his pelvic region. We had sex two nights ago and we haven't fought since. He actually spent all day with me Saturday even though he didn't do much around the house until I asked him. Even so, it's very ...very, so not Peter.

Well, I'm not going to expect much tonight unless by some miracle the good Dr. shows Peter the light.

Trin

Change is near....

I came home last night from my hairstylist. I decided about a week ago that I had wanted to do something different to my look so last night I finally went through with it.



I got a perm. The last time I got a perm was about 15 yrs ago, around the time I had met and went out with Peter.

When I came home, Peter was in the garage changing the breaks on his truck and talking to our neighbour Joe. I quickly grabbed my things out of the car, said a quick hi and ran inside.



I was really itching to style my wet, newly permed hair but it was already 8pm and I was so hungry. Even before I sat to take a bite, the kids were all over me. My youngest was itching for me to read the new library book she had brought home and my eldest was telling me about her problems.



Stressed, hungry and anxious I sat there while Peter walked in and didn't say a word. He sat down asking why I was so angry and I said it was because I was hungry and the kids were already on my case before I even had a chance to sit down. By this time I had quickly glanced in the mirror and thought I had made a horrible mistake. My hair looked like a poodle. I knew if I had just took 10 minutes to fix it up it would have been better but the negative thoughts kept pounding my brain.



I asked him what was wrong and he bluntly said, "no comment". "What's wrong? You don't like it?" I replied. To which he said, "It looks awful."

I was already self concious at it was. "Thanks for making me feel like shit" I said.

"Do you want me to lie to you?" he replied. "No, but you could have said it in a nicer way." I said angrily.



I got up and walked to the bathroom locking the door behind me. I wanted to cry but I didn't. I was too angry to cry. I fixed my hair and talked myself into not hearing the hurtful voices inside my head. When I came back to the kitchen, he was gone. Probably went back into the garage...or out. Who knew? Who cared?



I read Juliana two books, got them ready for bed and tucked them in.

My eyes glazed over the television screen. I wasn't even listening to it. I was just tired. Tired of existing really.



I lay in bed last night thinking...when. It was only a matter of time before the change. It was going to happen - the change. I just didn't know when.

Bland life...exciting book...

What's been going on?
Too many things to list and not enough time to list 'em.

Thanks to Amanda I've decided to write again.
Reading my past post I can honestly say these past 2 months or so haven't been the easiest. The Pinks All Out event? I went. It was a disaster just as I predicted it would have been. Peter's obsessed with nothing more than his car and the track.

I'm trying to analyze myself instead of him though. Why am I so angry with him? Disappointed? Is it because I'm jealous that his friends spend more time with him than I do? Is it because he spends money on his car without even thinking about saving it for a vacation for us? Is it because we have nothing in common? Is it because of our impending debts? Or is it because I need a hobby and stay out of his?

He has said that I'm trying to change him...that his hobby has nothing to do with me but ...it does. Doesn't it? If he didn't have this obsession, would he spend more time with me? With our family? Fixing up the house?

I've come to realise after months of arguing that this problem won't go away on it's own. It has unwelcomely branched out into other problems between us that I can't seem to solve. And, neither can he. I'm just glad that there hasn't been any reoccuring violent behaviour...err, except the one night I had to load up the kids in the car and drive off for 2 hours because of his temper and the thought of him blowing off the handle (at the kids) really frightened me.

I've finally convinced him to see a couple's councelor. This ...the last attempt at keeping our relationship together. It was an untimatum. I've made the appointment with a male councelor (his demand) in two weeks. Male because I suppose he thinks his behaviour will be less likely to be scrutinized. He did add that he'd walk right out if this councelor starts "preaching" to him about his car.
Needless to say, I've already started looking around for an alternate living arrangement.

On an upnote, have you read Twilight by Stephenie Meyer yet? Don't wait until the movie comes out. Too good not to soak in every detail of this story.

I hate to say it but I shouldn't be reading these books. Although I love them dearly, I get so immersed in them that I start believing that every man should be like Edward. Romantic, charming, protective, thoughtful, chivalrous......perfect. And when they aren't, I hate them for it.
I know it's wrong to expect your other half to be perfect. No body's perfect but is it wrong to believe you deserve more than you settled for? Is it wrong to want more out of love? Out of life?

I'll have to admit. I'm a very passionate person. It's an "I'd rather have it all or nothing" way of thinking. I think though after years of giving and not getting anything in return, I've become numb. So much so that I've stopped trying to look for those behaviours because even if and when I did find them they're be bland in comparision. So much so that I've stopped giving because the outcome would be nothing but disappointment.

I think too much for my own good.
Trin