What to do?

First thing is first. I've taken this link off of every known webpage that I know of so if you're here...reading this now.....there's a reason why.
The universe works in mysterious ways.

Wow, has it been that long?
A month has gone by and I've been busy, busy, busy. Busy living. Busy dying. Today's the only day I've had to actually think about what's really happening around me.

Everything as of late has been a fog.

It's been anything but fun at home.
Pete's been acting so mean...distant....angry...depressed. Being around him hasn't been pleasant. It's like he sucks the energy out of you. We've been fighting and it's enough to make me barracade myself in the bathroom for a couple of hours just to cry.

We sat down together last night and he expressed how discontent he was with his life. He asked me about writing up a will. Then he talks about death and who he should leave his car to. Obviously, when you think these thoughts you need the help of a doctor. I know there's something wrong when you constantly think these thoughts. This is the right time to see the doctor but he says "How's the doctor going to fix my problems when I can't even fix them" or "I don't want pills to fix my problem".
I know the reason why he's so depressed. The fact that the money he was so looking forward to making at the shop hasn't yet surfaced. He's angry at the fact that his partners are driving expensive cars and he's driving a beat up van. Who fucking cares about the money for a new pick up truck when you're healthy, you have a roof over your head, food in your stomach and clothes on your back??! He's never thankful for anything that he has....he just constantly looks at what he's missing.

He can't see the beauty in anything.

Everytime I try to give him a "pep talk" and tell him things will get better, we'll be able to afford his new truck soon or plead with him not to look at the bad side of things he becomes more angry, more miserable. I really don't know how to handle the situation. I can't even try to be positive around him. He just gets hostile and that, in turn, makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing with this guy?

How can I marry someone who is so different than I am. We don't have anything in common. We don't enjoy the same things, we don't like the same foods, we don't like the same music or have the same hobbies. It's sad to think the only thing we have in common is our children.
He used to be "mr. fix it". Now, he doesn't even take care of the house anymore.
He's constantly telling me how I make him feel like he's always wrong and now I'm questioning myself and my behaviour.

I have to be honest. I do love him but how can you live with someone who doesn't want your help? Someone who picks arguements and makes you feel guilty about the whole arguement afterwards? Someone who is so consumed with his selfishness that he doesn't see the beauty in what he has? Someone who throws such a fit in the midst of an arguement that he smashes things in the house just to get his anger out?

Last night, I was actually thinking that I hope he finds another woman. Yeah. Someone who makes him happy. I just want him to be happy.
I certainly can't leave him. He knows "people". (If you know what I mean). He'd be furious if I even suggested such a topic to discuss. My life would literally be over.

My thoughts are nasty. To make matters worse, I've been also thinking of other men. Friends from the past that I find very attractive. My mind plays out different scenarios of how wonderful life would be if I were with them instead of Pete. I daydream about being with a sensitive, thoughtful, romantic man. Someone who does things with me and enjoys my company. Someone who shares common hobbies and likes the same music I do. Someone who is optimistic about life and our goals.

I'll tell you one thing. If I had the money, I'd pay off all our debts, buy him a new truck and then find the courage to leave. I'd find myself a small apartment with my kids and finally be the person I've always wanted to be.
Happy.

Trin